WEBVTT
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Wh-What's going on here?
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I-I don't know.
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I've never seen an event like this.
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The city of Ted is on fire?!
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"Chance of Survival 0.1%"
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Run!
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Hurry!
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Wh-What?
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What's wrong? What happened?
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Shut up! Outta my way!
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Excuse me! Could you tell me what--
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Get out of my way!
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Someone tell me what's happening!
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This is what happens in a panic.
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Everyone's looking out for themselves. They
won't stop to explain everything to you.
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But this is a game!
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Look. Let's ask the blacksmith
while he fixes your sword.
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Pardon me, but
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my sword is rusted.
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Could you remove the rust?
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Are you stupid?
This ain't no time for that!
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Then could you just
explain what's going on?
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Are you asking for real?
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Well...
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The damn goblins attacked!
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The goblins?
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But isn't this city surrounded by
a moat so the goblins can't get in?
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Yes. It's supposed to be.
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The biggest drought in
50 years dried up the moat!
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So those things took
the opportunity to attack!
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A goblin assault.
I never knew that could happen.
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So I'll finally get to fight a monster!
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Um, could you remove the rust after all?
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Weren't you listening? Ain't no time!
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If you remove the rust,
I can fight the goblins!
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Not my problem! It's your fault
for neglecting your blade!
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But it was rusted when I got it!
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It wasn't your sword? Where'd you find it?
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My room.
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Are you screwing with me?!
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Argh! I've wasted
enough time on this idiot!
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There's a whetstone right there!
Do it yourself!
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Um... how do I do it?
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Scrape the whetstone from the
hilt to the tip of the sword! Idiot!
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Scrape it with the whetstone?
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L-Like this?
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This rust is pretty tough.
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Run!
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This way!
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Go, go!
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Hurry!
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They're here!
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It's a goblin!
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Help!
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Please!
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Screw it!
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Wh-What's wrong, Hiro?
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What isn't wrong?
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What kind of RPG protagonist stands by
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just going scrape, scrape, scrape
while the town is attacked?
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But you need to remove
the rust to use the sword.
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It'll still do as a club!
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St-St-Stop!
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Absolutely not!
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Goblins have ogre-like strength!
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Even though they're smaller.
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R-Reona?
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You have no chance of winning!
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You're 120% sure to die!
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B-But the townspeople!
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Hiro, stay calm and listen.
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I need to tell you something.
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If you die in Kiwame Quest,
something terrible will happen to you.
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C-Come to think of it...
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I don't know what happens if I die!
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D-Don't tell me...
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If I die in the game...
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...do I die in real life, too?
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You read too much manga!
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The game does pursue ultimate realism,
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but that whole death game
thing is just ridiculous!
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Th-Then what is it?
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You break something.
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Break something?
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Like a part of my body?
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No, what I mean is,
if you die while playing KQ...
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Bam!
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...both your console and your game break!
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What?
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Not just the game but the console, too?!
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That's right!
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What the hell?!
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Seriously, how did that design
not become a huge problem?
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Hiro, I'm sure you
already had an inkling, but
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this is the ultimate shitty game.
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Reona...
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you finally acknowledged it.
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If the player dies, the console dies, too.
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Over the past ten years, many users have
filed lawsuits over the death system.
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"Techno Mosuke Inc."
"Suing a Game Company?"
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Though the company apparently
used its massive power and wealth
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"Techno Mosuke Inc."
"Suing a Game Company?"
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to quash any problems.
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to quash any problems.
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The outcry even extended to retail stores,
which were flooded with claims.
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"Returned"
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The outcry even extended to retail stores,
which were flooded with claims.
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"Returned"
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Furthermore, various other
problems were manifest,
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Furthermore, various other
problems were manifest,
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so soon after release, KQ was buried as a
next-level supremely shitty full-dive RPG.
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Now you get why you'd have to pay
someone to take it off your hands, right?
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Then why did you
sell it to me at list price?
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Anyway,
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let's log out for now.
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Huh?
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It's not very good to rely on game guides,
but goblins are crazy strong.
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Let's take a look at
the Auberdine Walkthrough.
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Ahuh...
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Now then, triple tap.
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"Save your adventure and quit the game?"
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Thank goodness.
It's still possible to save.
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Okay, let's bail.
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U-Um, just one peek!
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Can I just take one
little peek at a goblin?
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Fine. But just a quick look.
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Thanks!
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I-It's so realistic!
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You could think it's
a newly discovered animal!
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Hey, not so loud!
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Oh, man! I can't wait
to battle this thing!
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Mommy!
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Reona! A little girl!
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W-Wait, Hiro!
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You'll die if you fight it!
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Is that what you want?
The console list price is 100,000 yen!
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FYI, I sell it for 129,800 yen!
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That's highway robbery!
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If my console does break,
no way am I buying from you!
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Anyway, let's approach this rationally!
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The girl is only an NPC! She's just a
software simulation of human intellect!
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Don't put it so coldly!
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She looks just like a little girl!
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Besides...
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Never again.
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Just because it's an NPC,
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I can't just let a person die
or be killed in front of me.
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I don't want any more death.
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H-Hiro...
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Are you...
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a lolicon?
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Seriously?! No!
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Oh, look!
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It's the Guard! The City Guard is here!
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Damned monster!
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Stay back or we'll chop you up!
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Y-You bastard!
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Take th--
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Wh-What the hell?!
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Also, I just said no more death,
and two people immediately died!
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Do you get how fearsome goblins are now?
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That's the first monster you fight?
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Nearly all players who managed to
leave Ted avoided fighting the goblins.
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O-Oh, I see.
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But can I do that in this situation?
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H-Have any players ever defeated a goblin?
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To my knowledge, just two:
Kamui and SHOW HEY.
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I know about Kamui,
but who's this SHOW HEY?
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Shouhei Aida. In real life he became the
Oriental and Pacific Boxing Champion.
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Say what?
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When asked in an interview to name
the strongest boxer he'd ever faced,
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"Definitely goblins"
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was supposedly his answer!
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Come on! Goblins aren't boxers!
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A-Anyway, I'm gonna save them!
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Are you serious? Do you wanna die?
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I'll find a moment to help them escape!
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I think that might be doable!
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Man, Hiro. Where's all
this fire coming from?
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Fine. If you do die and ruin your console,
I'll give you a discount--105,000 yen.
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The discount price is
still above list price...
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But first...
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The blacksmith left those behind.
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Let's change those pants.
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That old dude's pants?
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Don't like the idea of that.
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Would you rather go out
there reeking of ammonia?
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I-Isn't time of the essence?
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Do it right now! Put them on!
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I'm sick of the smell!
You've reeked this whole time!
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Mommy! Help me!
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I'm invisible, so I'll distract him.
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You use that time to save the girl.
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G-Got it.
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We can at least save the girl.
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There was nothing we could do.
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Don't dwell on it.
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Maybe if we hadn't
stopped to change pants...
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No! Focus!
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Focus on saving the girl!
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Okay. Here I go!
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Take this!
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Now!
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Come on!
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All right! It worked!
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Th-There were two?!
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I-It's all over.
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Who was I kidding?
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Are you okay?
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Kaede?
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Run!
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What?
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Listen, you have to run!
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I'm right here! Go after me!
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Bastard!
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C-Come on!
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Wh-What just happened?
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That was amazing, Hiro!
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That was pro athlete-level dashing!
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I-I'm not sure how I did it.
Though I've always been a fast runner.
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Was it the power of adrenaline?
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But I'm in the game world.
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So was it a bug in the game?
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Despite my display,
the situation hasn't changed at all.
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I guess this is it.
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No, we're saved!
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Tesla!
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Hiro, are you all right?
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Yeah, but...
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Lightning Extreme!
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I-Incredible!
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Possessing superhuman agility due
to natural talent and intensive training,
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he's the strongest Guardsman in Ted!
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Tesla Wolff Carmine!
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Also known as "Thundering Tesla," after
the lightning-like look of his gold armor.
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He's the strongest NPC
you meet in the early game.
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You've done your homework.
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Because he's pretty.
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The City Guard.
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Tesla, sir! Brilliantly done!
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Escort this girl to her home.
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The rest of you, start dealing
with the burning homes.
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Yes, sir!
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Let's get you home. dear.
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O-Okay.
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I actually feel a little
like an RPG hero now.
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Hero, a new title!
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It says, "Lolita Complex Best Friend
Killer: Amicide Who Likes Little Girls."
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What the hell?!
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Now, now. Looking at it
objectively, even I thought so.
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I thought, "I bet he
wants that girl to like him."
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What is wrong with you?!
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Ugh, you totally ruined the moment.
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Oh, shit! NPCs can't see Reona.
He'll think I'm crazy!
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Hiro, I see you're a warrior, too.
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E-Excuse me?
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Perhaps it's an insensitive request,
but I need as many warriors as I can get.
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W-Warrior?
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Hiro, you'd be well compensated.
It could even just be temporary.
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Would you join the
City Guard as a mercenary?
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A mercenary? An RPG classic!
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And I'd get to fight alongside Tesla?
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I will! I'd be glad to join!
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Thank you.
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H-Hey! Shouldn't you think about it more?
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It'll be fine! Near Tesla
is the safest place to be.
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Well, I suppose so...
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Then come with me when you're ready, Hiro.
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The City Guard training grounds are on
Queen Govern's estate. I'll guide you.
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Right. Yes.
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This feels like a save point
before a big event.
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This was enough for today, I think.
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I'll stop here, Reona.
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Oh, of course.
18:39.110 --> 18:40.900
"Save your adventure and quit the game?"
18:39.110 --> 18:40.900
Oh, of course.
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"Save your adventure and quit the game?"
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Look at the walkthr--
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Look at the walkthr--
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All right! It finally feels like a game!
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Hey, are you still
playing that shitty game?
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Yeah.
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How do you stand it?
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Yeah, there's a lot to gripe about.
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But get this. Supposedly, if you die,
the game breaks your console.
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Wait, what?! I don't
even know where to begin.
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Can you believe that?
19:17.940 --> 19:22.940
That's beyond the category
of shitty game. Like, hard pass.
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No kidding.
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Hiro.
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You seem happy.
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I-I do?
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Well, they say you complain
most about things you love.
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Love?
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I love KQ?
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A ridiculous level of extreme difficulty.
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Game over means the end of your console.
19:50.470 --> 19:54.310
That it's a shitty game
is an indisputable fact...
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Guess I'll play some KQ when I get home.
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All set.
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Maybe I should check first.
20:17.040 --> 20:17.210
"Auberdine Walkthrough"
20:17.040 --> 20:17.210
Maybe I should check first.
20:17.210 --> 20:18.830
"Auberdine Walkthrough"
20:17.210 --> 20:18.830
Hmm.
20:18.830 --> 20:19.580
"About the goblin assault"
20:18.830 --> 20:19.580
Hmm.
20:19.580 --> 20:20.790
"About the goblin assault"
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"About the goblin assault"
20:20.790 --> 20:22.750
Ah, here it is.
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"About the goblin assault"
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Hey, trash. You've really done it now.
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Huh?
20:30.760 --> 20:34.430
There are many ways to leave Ted.
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The typical route is to complete many
townspeople's requests, gain reputation,
20:38.730 --> 20:42.150
and thereby obtain Queen
Govern's permission to leave.
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It's a hassle but it's the surest way.
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Or you could flee the city
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and head for Flora Castle while
running from the goblins outside.
20:52.120 --> 20:57.410
This move is only available
to highly skilled martial artists.
20:57.410 --> 21:01.750
There are yet other methods,
but the worst is the goblin assault event.
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The options for leaving
the city are limited.
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I'll reveal them,
so be grateful, you dimwit!
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Just as infuriating as always.
21:10.760 --> 21:13.760
Option one: Fight with allies.
21:13.760 --> 21:17.390
Recommended if you can
get 100 total NPC and PCs.
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Though you'll never get
that many, you loner loser!
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Chance of survival: five percent.
21:23.230 --> 21:26.820
Option two: Hide from
the goblins for four days.
21:26.820 --> 21:29.910
You dig a hole under
some house and hide in it.
21:29.910 --> 21:32.370
But if you do, you'll never
be able to leave the city.
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Sucks to be you, mole bastard!
21:34.450 --> 21:37.080
Chance of survival: ten percent.
21:37.080 --> 21:41.750
Option three: Join the City Guard
as a merc and fight alongside Telsa.
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Here we go.
21:43.250 --> 21:46.460
Actually, this is the most awful option.
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Wha--?
21:48.130 --> 21:51.760
Even I, genius that I am,
find this option difficult.
21:51.760 --> 21:55.810
For a fat, stupid, dimwitted,
garbage turd like you, it's impossible.
21:55.810 --> 21:58.850
Chance of survival: 0.1 percent.
21:58.850 --> 22:00.690
Die!
22:00.690 --> 22:03.900
What?!
22:03.900 --> 22:09.360
Zero point one percent
chance of survival means...
22:09.360 --> 22:14.830
...99.9% chance to ruin my console!
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Episode 8: Enlistment and Baptism.